I lost my son to opiate addiction in 2019. The journey has taken me into anger and despair, a loss of focus, a loss of spirit, and a loss of self. After the initial shock wore off, I slowly became someone I didn’t recognize. I could not write or imagine or even laugh. I did not pray or even try. Everywhere I went, I felt like a raw nerve, but I couldn’t stay home either. When the pandemic hit, I was forced to shelter in place and deal with my situation. Even then, even before the vaccine, I had moments of panic. I would start to jump out of my skin and immediately buy a plane ticket to go see my mom. But my suffering is not what I want this post to be about. My suffering is not what I want to be about either.
I have always been a very spiritual person. My beliefs are very deep and even when my son passed, I knew he was ok. I felt his presence, I heard his voice, and I saw the enormity of his spirit. Yes, I saw it. More on that later. Also, I’m lucky to have many friends who are attuned to spirit and were able to relay messages from him. I know that he is doing fine. But even with all the reassurances I had, I was not absolved from grief or the havoc it can wreak on one’s life and relationships. As I moved through the storm of fury over the months, I became a stranger to myself. I was a prayer chaplain, a spiritual leader to women, and even a coach. I know all this stuff. I recognize when I am behaving badly, when my thoughts are negative and are reflecting in my words, my feelings, and my treatment of others. However, being informed didn’t matter either. Time was the only thing that was going to lift me out of this whirlwind of destruction.
So here I am now. Almost two years later.
While the world is enduring another round of COVID, nations fall, wildfires rage, and earthquakes devastate, I am pretty much done. I don’t want to grieve anymore. I contacted a medium last week because I believe in the eternal soul and because I wanted a message from my son. I’ve been feeling a message coming, but I couldn’t interpret it on my own. So I relayed my question to a very kind and reputable medium and here is what she said. Among other private messages, she told me that my son is an angel (a fact that I already knew but it is nice to have more confirmation), but that he too is healing from grief. His grief comes from me! His grief comes from what his passing has done to me. How I’ve gotten off-track, become angry and vengeful and mean. How my energy is no longer loving. And how his decisions took me off of my spiritual path and caused me to sink down into a very bad place.
As you can imagine, as a mother hearing that my son is in grief because I can’t get it together was enough to push me over the edge…The edge of the pity party I had constructed for myself and back into the world I want to be in. Back into a place of self-care, creativity, and LOVE! So here is what I am going to do now. I am no longer a coach. I can’t help anyone to achieve their goals until I help myself. Instead, I am going to blog about stuff. Stuff that makes me smile, stuff that captures my imagination, and stuff that I like to cook and eat. If you like my books, then great! I’m going to write another one – as this tragedy has knocked me out of orbit. I haven’t held to writing a book a year, but I’ve got one in the cooker and it’s going to be fun, joyful, and inspirational.
#spiritualgrowth #thegoddesstribe #goddesstribe #goddesstribequotes #witchesofinstagram #unity #unityatlanta #angels #grief #grievingmom #guardianangel #unitarianuniversalist